Sacrifices of the Heart

It's one of those moments once again. I feel the deep anguish of my soul, and the piercing cry of my spirit- as my heart is yanked and literally twisted to two different directions. One of those moments where your mind tells you you're BEWILDERED by what is happening. "This is not supposed to be happening. It isn't supposed to be this way. God, protect me with your precious blood!" (funny how we always think it is the devil causing all the havoc). As I was having one of my prayer/crying/wailing like a baby sessions recently, rebuking the works of the enemy from my current situation and asking God to speak to me, I heard Him chuckle, "My dear, it is not the devil but me. It is me who allowed this to take place". Immediately I stopped sobbing, and asked Him "What is the purpose Lord? Could you please show me?" --- Silence.

Its been 3 months of breaking... (excluding the 3 years of life shattering journey in the dessert here in Australia). This specific situation recently made me cry every night for a fortnight..the pain was unbearable. I prayed every morning, read the word till my head aches, and the situation/problem reaches a stage that God has intended it to reach. IT BECAME WORSE. It became so unsolvable, incomprehendable, that all I could do was nothing, but trust and obey that His mighty hand is at work.

The past few weeks, He's been repeatedly drilling this in my head, "Abraham-Isaac". I didnt like it. It didnt go well with my flesh. God! I thought, "Isaac is so precious to me..! I've waited patiently for that gift..and it was so clear that you said you would give him, and you did. But why are you asking me to sacrifice him? God this is ridiculous!"

So many people I came across kept talking to me or mentioning Abraham-isaac.. Looking back, I wished I had not ignored the nudges of the HS 2 months ago. It would have saved me 2 months of heart ache, and tears. But I know that all these tears and prayer was the whole point of this situation. It was the BREAKING that needed to take place. It was the extreme hunger and thirst for Him that needed to be established once again. Sometimes, after a long time of God's breaking, it becomes easy for us to sacrifice our earthly wealth, and the firstfruits of our human labor. But what would our reaction be if He asks us to sacrifice a heavenly gift instead? A gift that was given out of a promise by Him? I find that it is so much harder..because these gifts are the ones where our hearts are most attached to. I am graduallly training my mind, and praying for my heart to be set right, so I can offer Him this sacrifice, without any grudge or double-mindedness. (James 1-the man who is double-minded should not expect he should recieve anything from the Lord) yet the Lord has been faithful and gracious even at times when I doubt. Lord help me...... 

God it is painful right now, but looking back unto your faithfulness, I know you are always faithful. I need Abraham's faith... (gen 22) the faith that speaks to the sacrifices of my broken heart, that "God Himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering. Trust Him."

I was thinking about this..and the seasons of 'breaking' in my life.. I realise before he demands a certain physical sacrifice from me, He tends to break my heart first and the product of my offering is usually not related to the sacrifice at all. Instead, something happens to the Heart. As David says psalms 147, "the sacrifices of the Lord are a broken and contrite heart." What is the point of offering our sacrifices to Him if our HEARTS are not in it? We have seen what happened to Cain. He doesn't need our sacrifices, but our wholehearted devotion. It makes more sense now, WHY He has to break me ALWAYS before I offer something up to Him.

The biggest miracle lies not in the walking paralyzed, or the blind that sees. The miracle sprouts from the seed of obedience to Jesus' words, when He said "Stand up and walk! Your sins are forgiven."
The miracle and wonder lies in the new heart He has given me, and the knowledge of how great His healing power is! All this equals to greater faith!  Our pastor always says, "Faith to a Christian is like Oxygen to life".

Its 3 am, and bed time is near..and I can feel the pain easing. Once again His light shines through the darkest night. One of the things He is reminding me is this..
One year ago, the hs brought to realisation that "its okay to feel like givin up, or even to give up. what matters, is, WHO you're givin it up to..' (may 2011)

and one year later (May 2012),  it still rings true.

Lord.. i give it ALL to u... Everything you gave i give it back. Your promises and your gifts. You are the only one I can trust.

of reluctant doctor appointments

I went to the doctor's today. I have been vomitting ocassionally, and battling with nausea and breathlessness since Sunday night. It took me 3 days of grappling with these symptoms to finally be convinced that I NEED to see a Doctor! I was stupidly stubborn. I even further encouraged the 'doctor' in me by consulting my all time favourite self diagnosis tool; Mr. Google. lol. One day, it would be indigestion, another day, it would be food poisoning...and it gets more and more far fetched from the original disease..lol. However, the symptoms got to a point of utter annoyance, disrupting my ability to work, and so I finally did the smartest thing I could have done all week.

It was a rather funny appointment. Instead of the usual-patient providing symptoms, doctor diagnosing disease, I ended up ranting on and on about my symptoms as well as all the different medication I purchased from the pharmacy to treat my 'imaginary' self diagnosed disease. I practically brought her through the whole chain of imagined 'illnesses' that contributed to my impulsive, bizarre purchase of medications. Its funny to me because here I was, sitting next to a doctor, but instead of making full use of this service, I end up doing the doctors job, while she sits quietly, and waits patiently to collect the 85AUD consultation fee at the end of the session. I can imagine her thinking, "What are you even doing here? It sounds like you already figured out what the problem is."


"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."- Jesus Christ.


In Matthew, Jesus answers the Pharisees; who by their human understanding questions His fellowship with tax collectors and sinners on the dinner table, with this phrase. To me..it is the perfect analogy, such a simple truth, that speaks of the core of the christian walk; the walk that is initiated,guided, and directed by the cross of grace, the ressurection of Christ.

The day I understood and believed Christ the son of God as my Saviour and doctor in this sinful messed up world, was a day when I desperately NEEDED, wanted, a doctor, despite my rebellion against Him. I remember approaching Him dressed in old, ugly rags, repentance, and in humility (casting away all pre-self diagnosis, at least for that moment). Today, this should still be the way I walk this life...a walk, in TOTAL need of Him. (for is not Jesus our righteousness, holiness, and redemption? 1 Cor 1:30)  After all, wasn't this the whole point of this huge reconciliation plan between man and God?

My doctor appointment made me realize how I've lost sight recently of Jesus as my spiritual Doctor, who is in position to not only diagnose the Disease, but also in love, address the symptoms from a point of truth and not thwarted google opinions. Many times I have tried to interpret the symptoms with my own intellect, which in the end leads to frustration. Worse still, I come to doctor Jesus for help but instead of listening first to what the doctor's questions are for me, I bombard him with all my questions, and preconcieved notions, my findings, research of the matter at hand.
In the end of the day, the intentions of my fleshly heart is clear; I love my own facts, interpretations, and false security more than wanting to trust Him as my doctor.
I hear Him ask me, "Then why come to me at all for help? Why even become a Christian?"

If I cannot rely on Him fully for my righteousness, holiness, redemption, fruits of the spirit..etc (and many more things that confirms i'm on the right path as a christian), then I am not following Christ. I have made my own weak human knowledge, and others' initiator and director of my walk. I am no longer walking by grace.

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." John 15

I need the vine to be my source of nourishment. I need Jesus to give me my fruits. I need my first love Jesus. The Jesus who died on the cross for me. An undeserved healing.

I am greatly reminded that in all matters....(be it worldy issues, doctrinal beliefs, spiritual experiences)...the doctor has the answer. If only we approach him in humility, we would understand with the wisdom given by Him. Wisdom that brings peace and not frustration.

Rant : can it get worse?

I hope not...

i am so frustrated right now.

I've been skipping lectures and tutorials to fit in my work shifts - apparently its part and parcel of gaining the trust and approval of a new employer. Especially, one who is horrendously . . . picky/strict/you name it. because of this, I am now in a very bad situation.

I am clueless about the how to do the assignment that is due this friday. I am barely half done. Not to mention another 50% worth assignment of another unit that is constantly nagging at me at the back of my mind. Then I found out yesterday, that I failed my first assignment for this unit. To make it simple, I am practically FAILING this unit. The worse thing is, it is a compulsory unit.

If I don't score well for this assignment, I am dead meat. and I mean. DeAD.

Just as I was about to pick myself up from the horrible news of failing, another horrible news slapped me in the face. Someone stole my bicycle chain and some of the bicycle parts. I sulked through the sickening one hour journey home from uni yesterday night at 9pm (as usual), and ended up at home with another terrible argument with my mum. Ran out in the middle of the night, searching the whole neighbourhood, and the area surrounding the train station where I parked my bike, and found my bike chucked in the corner of an intersection. I swear I could have screamed like a mad woman while i was helplessly searching for the bike. I was soo....stressed about everything.

The fact that my bike is 80% crippled right now (except the brakes and the wheels) gave me another thing to worry about. How the hell am I going to get to work tommorow by 7am?

Thank God, I managed to pull myself together yesterday night. I really felt like givin up.

Fast forward. And SO, I managed to get to work by 7am. Did my usual routine. I'm still pretty new in the job, but things are moving smoothly so far, UNtil....I forgot to set the timer for the sausage rolls that are being baked in the oven. I NEVER made this mistake in the past 7 shifts! NEVER. It was only today of all days! and it came out black.

My managers came in the afternoon, and saw what happened.

The things they said to me, hurts like hell.

I've been takin so much of their shit since they started training me.

Being patient, trying to live up to their standard, doing everything they instruct me to. I KNOW they KNOW I'm capable of carrying out the duties. But why do they have to purposely put me down and make me feel so low just because of this accident?!!

The worst part is when I told them I could'nt work this friday because of the assignment, they judged me for being illogical with my reason. Their words stinged, I could'nt help it, the past kept flooding in.

After all the uni classes I've sacrificed just to fit into their schedule. Have they no heart? Can't they place themselves in my shoes? I'm not superhuman! I'm first year University student, enrolled into course that takes up 4 fulls days in a week, with 7 freaking units, with no car, and who has to travel 1 hour plus per journey everyday with public transport which means I can't just snap my fingers to make buses and trains appear in front of me, for God's sake! If given a choice, do you think i want to friggin slog like this?!

I was so tempted to fight back, but I remembered my new year resolution. Thus, held my anger, disbelief, and blinked in my tears.

Now here I am, home, breaking down in tears and frustration. I have a compulsory lecture at 6pm-8 later, and I have to travel 1 hours plus to get there just to sit for that one friggin lecture. SHIT...

If it was'nt for the gift of tears...I would'nt know what would have happened to me by now..

I know I should be grateful for everything I have.

I am grateful.

it's just in times like this, I need a place to release.

I am so home sick.

I am.

I want to go home.

and I mean

HOME.

up there.

KUNG-FU TIME

HAI YAAAAAKKKKKKK!!!!!!

TAKE THATT!!!!! *whoosh, crack!!*


Beams satisfactorily

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Shifting blogs soon.

:)